⚠ VOLCANO MONITORING ACTIVE — Next courtesy call scheduled: Whenever the seismograph gets around to it ⚠
[TODAY 03:14] Volcano continues to be dormant. Sent a thank-you card. The card did not return. We consider this acknowledgment.
[YESTERDAY] Small plume observed at dawn. Turned out to be a cloud. The cloud looked suspicious. It's being monitored.
[3 DAYS AGO] Tiki HQ Dept. of Volcano Relations filed quarterly report: "Relationship status: respectful. Volcano has not sued us. We have not provoked it. All is well."
[1 WEEK AGO] Tourist asked if the volcano was "safe." Guide laughed for two full minutes. Tourist was concerned. Guide did not stop laughing.
[1994 - ARCHIVED] Volcano made a noise. Nobody heard it but Uncle Reno. Uncle Reno said "it's fine." It was fine. Uncle Reno remains the official volcano whisperer.